Cheated

I feel cheated by my birth experience with Amelia. I had a really rough 3rd trimester and labor and delivery. My recovery was slow too. By 10 weeks (and three postpartum appointments later), I still wasn't feeling right and went back in. It turns out I had a tissue granulation which is apparently really rare and the doctor had missed during the previous appointments. Once that was removed, I felt SO much better. I have never googled so many weird things in my life than I have since having a baby. I am still dealing with a few more issues since giving birth, one being working on my hip with physical therapy for the past month. I have since learned that my right leg is shorter than my left (pretty common) and can slip out of place sometimes. I have experienced this my whole life (once while hiking to Havasupai....sucked), but hasn't been too big of an issue. Well because of my body producing too much of the relaxin hormone related to SPD, my hip has still been causing me problems and remaining out of place due to my slippery pelvis. Ha. It's slowly starting to heal, but will still take some time.

The whole point of this rant is actually still coming, but I had to get a little back story going. I'm still pretty ticked at my OB doctor. I had originally gone to him because the doctor I wanted wasn't taking new patients at the time and they shared the same office. That was before I was even married and was just getting yearly check-ups, so I didn't really care who I saw. I ended up sticking with him for OB because well, I just didn't know any better and didn't bother to look around for the best. Like I've said in previous posts, he had no idea of my SPD issues. My physical therapist (that I was referred to after finally just getting an appointment with an orthopedic doctor on my own) was shocked that I hadn't been doing physical therapy my entire pregnancy. She totally knew what my problem was and made it seem super common as she gets pregnant patients referred to her all the time by their OBs. This made me so mad. Mainly because I could have been in so much less pain (hopefully) and could have cut down my recovery time significantly. And who knows, maybe even my labor and delivery wouldn't have been as traumatic. Still not the point of this post though.

My whole experience really got me looking into other birth stories. Some of them left me so annoyed. Because these women would have these beautiful experiences--short labor, candle lighting, no drugs, no screaming, etc. Wahh. I promise I know that every woman is SO different, and every birth is different. So it really is pointless to compare. But it just got me thinking about what mine could have been. And what it could be next time. I've always been super interested in Midwives. I think it would be an awesome job too. But I've also always liked the idea of delivering in a hospital. I know there are a few options for that here in St. George, but not many (side-note: If you have had any experiences with any doctors or midwives you've loved, tell me everything!). I just watched "The Business of Being Born" on Netflix. Not sure how I hadn't heard of it before... I loved it. I think some of the information was so interesting. Something that hit home to me was when they talked about how a lot of women in the U.S. see giving birth as something to majorly fear. To fear that pain. Because we don't know what a natural (I hesitate to use that word here... giving birth any way is still natural to me because we are all so different and have different experiences. But you get the gist) childbirth is supposed to be like. I know I was super scared. I was 100% for the epidural because I had felt horrible pain during the pregnancy and didn't want it to get worse. Another thing that they talked about was hospital interventions. Using pitocin to increase/stimulate contractions which make it more painful and result in wanting/increasing pain meds. That in turn can slow down labor, so we need more pitocin. Interesting. Such a cycle. Not saying that I'm not grateful for these interventions, but do we always need them? I know that no one even asked me if I wanted pitocin to "speed" up my labor. Yet it was there on my chart. Really? I have no say what is being put into my body?

Another thing that the movie brought up that I even hesitate to talk about (I haven't told ANYBODY this) is that sometimes with the use of certain interventions (like an epidural or pitocin) can inhibit the "love drug" our body produces naturally. That's what gives us as new mothers an intense bond with our babies and an animal-like feeling of protecting our young. I have no idea if that happened to me. But I do know that I was expecting something like that to happen. And it didn't. Not saying that I didn't cry when I held my babe for the first time or that I wasn't in awe of the miracle that just occurred. Not saying that I didn't love my baby intensely. But I secretly thought to myself, "isn't there more?" as if I was waiting for a bolt of emotions to strike me over the head. Maybe that's just my personality. I did bond with my baby. But it was more gradual for me. It's hard for me to even talk about or write about because it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, or I'm a bad mom. And I know that's not the case. Even writing this now makes me feel like I'm almost betraying my little miss. Anyway, just more food for thought. (Side-note: the bonding DID come. And fiercely. Just not the way I expected). 

I might just be pumped up from watching a documentary that is made to make you feel a certain way. I am very aware of that. And I don't believe hospitals are a bad place to have a baby. But I definitely will be exploring my options for the next time around. And if I'm a good candidate, I am no longer opposed to a home birth or birthing center (which freaked me out for some reason). So we'll see. But I do know that I want my next delivery to be so different. Hopefully I can get some help with my SPD early on so it's not such a big issue during delivery. Then maybe I could enjoy the process a bit more. I don't know. Maybe not. No one can really tell what giving birth will be like each time.

Just some jumbled thoughts.

I am looking for more information about alternative ways of giving birth besides being stuck in a bed in the worst position for my pelvis with IVs coming out of me. But only really here in St. George. What's available in our small community? If you have experience, share with me!